How to Straighten Curly Hair

My hair is curly but it hasn't always been. 

When I was a little girl my hair was blonde and straight but as I got older it got progressively darker and curlier.  By the time I was 11 neither my Mom nor I had any idea what to do with my curls.  I cried when round brushes would get so tangled in it that scissors had to be wielded in order to release them from their hairy entrapment.  I longed for the straight hair that all of my friends had.   

You may have heard that "necessity is the mother of invention," for me this was true.  In my "tween"y brain it was necessary to my survival to somehow outsmart genetics; I needed straight hair.  I had heard rumors about curly haired women who ironed the curls out of their hair (and I was sure that by extension, all of the troubles were ironed out of their lives) and they were left with sleek, silky, straight hair.  I had no idea how this was accomplished, however I did know that I had to figure it out.

The following is the method that I discovered the first time I straightened my hair.  You can use it too if you are desperate for stylishly straight hair.

1- Have a younger sister who will assist you.  (Don't bother asking your mom she will refuse to help you "ruin your hair."  When she does, be sure to think to yourself with all of the drama you can muster, "It can't get worse than it already is!"

2- Locate the iron.  The clothes iron.

3- Plug the iron into the wall outlet and set up the ironing board.

4- You will notice a dial that controls the temperature of the iron.  Turn it  to the "Hotter Than Blue Blazes" setting.

5- After your iron is good and hot bend over the ironing board and  fan a small section of your hair out across the top of the flat surface. 

6- Have your little sister who's 9 and probably shouldn't be handling anything nearly as hot as an iron place the clothes iron on your hair, being careful to avoid any exposed skin such as your ears, neck or any part of your face that you'd like to remain free of disfiguring scars. 

7- While she presses firmly down on the handle of the iron slowly pull your hair out from under the iron.  If you smell a strange "burnt hair" stench, you may be pulling your hair away too slowly.

8- After you have pulled your hair out from under the iron (and possibly out of your head as well) take the same section of hair and fan it out on the ironing board again.  Repeat steps 6 and 7 until that section of hair is *straight.

* while it may not be as straight as you were hoping-  just ignore it, it will probably look better when your all done. 

9- Take another small section of hair and repeat steps 5 through 8 until you have ironed every hair on your head.

10- Stand up straight (this may be a challenge after being bent over the ironing board for nearly an hour). 

11-  Run your fingers through your hair gingerly to get a preliminary assessment.  You may notice a distinct "frizzy" feel to your hair- just ignore it.

12-  Give your sister a questioning look to prompt her to give her opinion of your new sleek hairdo. At this point you may hear uncontrollable laughter and the words "Richard Simmons"- just ignore your little sister, she's only nine and clearly doesn't know what she's talking about.

13- Walk out the door with your head held high and a spring in your step.  Flaunt your new (semi) straight locks everywhere you go.  Ignore any strange looks you may get, everybody is just stunned by your incredible transformation.

14- Later that night after you shower, start to cry when you look in the mirror and realize that the miracle of straight hair ends when your hair gets wet.